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Updated: May 9, 2019

Until now I have never been vocal about my personal life across my social media platforms. I want to share my story about how being a mother has completely changed my life. Since the age of 14 I have battled depression as well as a severe eating disorder. The last 10 years have been a blur, an emotional roller coaster, I have had so many highs and lows and my weight has fluctuated so much in this time. Despite many luxuries and all the love and support from family and friends I still felt unfulfilled. After 10 years of medication, treatment facilities, and numerous therapist sessions I didn’t feel like I wasn’t getting any better.  

There have definitely been moments where I found temporary relief but each day has been beyond challenging. Yes there were times I wanted to give up, I was physically and mentally exhausted. Between the fad dieting, constant purging, anxiety attacks and constant mood swings I felt like I could barely breathe. I had no fight left in me. Though my pregnancy was unexpected it was the greatest blessing in disguise. During my pregnancy I continued to be challenged both mentally and physically.  It was so ironic I had battled bulimia for 10 years then having hyperemesis gravidarum for 9 months was just crazy I would have done anything to go just one day during that 9 months where I didn't throw up but unfortunately that didn't happen. 

Nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming love and joy I felt on the arrival of my beautiful healthy boy. Suddenly it all felt worth it. This tiny human was depending on me and I promised him that I would do everything in my power to protect and nourish him. He had given me a new lease of life, a purpose “motherhood”. I have a responsibility, one of the greatest a woman will ever have and because of this responsibility I no longer allow myself to indulge in my bad habits. Every day with my son is a gift from God and I cherish every moment.

That is not to say life is easy, it is far from easy, yes I have been suffering with post natal depression and I do have issues like everybody else but I feel stronger as a person and more capable to cope. I no longer sweat the small stuff or let things effect me like they used to. For the first time in a long time I leave the house not worrying how people are going to perceive me. I am social again, no longer a recluse or focused on the negative.

Life will always throw you all sorts of shit, but the secret is how you deal with it. We live and learn, that is my new motto especially when raising a child. When Cruz was born I wanted to be a perfect mother and everything needed to be perfect. It took me time to realise there is no such thing as been "a perfect mum" we all do our best but sometimes we don’t have the answers and certain things will remain out of our control.

A long time ago I would never have written or shared anything like this, afraid of judgment. There are lots of people who don't understand mental illness and the severity of it.

 To any women out there who are suffering, let me assure you there is hope. Don't be ashamed to ask for help we all have our demons. If you need help or advice feel free to contact me. I’d love to talk to you and help if I can, even if it is just by assuring you that you are not alone.

Below are sites that you can learn and get the help you need if you are struggling.

Tash x

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